My first memories as a child were mostly extreme feelings that I was not supposed to be here. I believed that I was from another planet and that my ‘real’ parents had accidentally dropped me off on Earth. There was the problem that I did look like my parents. I explained that away by saying that a soul could also accidentally be dropped somewhere. However, the years just kept going by with no one coming to get me. I went back and forth believing that I was sent here as a punishment, to I was sent here (though very ill equipped) to save the planet. Finally, during my late teens, I decided that I just needed to figure out how to get off this planet and never have to come back, and I didn’t care why I was here.
From ages 19 to 32, I experienced debilitating suicidal depression for essentially two weeks every month. I actually should probably not use the word debilitating. I, in fact, was able to maintain my job quite successfully. However, inside me was a near constant ‘Freddie Kruger’ type nightmare.
I remember the exact moment that this fear/depression was activated. My husband and I had just come home to our apartment. As we neared the door, I could see that it was standing ajar. An intense stab of fear shook through my body. That was it. That fear just grew from that moment on. When we walked into the apartment, nothing was amiss. I am quite sure that we had not quite closed the door when we had left. Nevertheless, it established the foundation of how I was to spend the next 13 years!
During my twenties, I reverted back to many of my childhood feelings. I again began to feel that I was really in the wrong place. That this planet was not my home. It was not a nice place.
At age twenty one, I had an astral (out-of-body) traveling experience. I will tell you the story of that exact moment at another time. Here, I will just tell you that it happened and it continued for two years. At first it scared the bejesus out of me, which isn’t hard to imagine since I have talked today about how scared I was all of the time! However, at some point, I got smart. I said to myself, “Hey, maybe I can find my way home this way.” So, I began to believe that through the experience of astral traveling, I would be able to return to wherever I was really from.
One night, it happened. I again found myself out of my body. This time I was in the sky with clouds around me. In the distance, I saw beautiful sunlight shining through the clouds. I became convinced that that sunlight was a symbol for my ‘real’ home. I was so excited. With all my might, I began to really will myself towards the sunlight.
Suddenly, I began zooming towards the sunlight. As I hit the opening in the clouds, the impact was so powerful, that when I reentered my body I sat up in bed. There was no mistaking the message. HERE was where I was supposed to be!! HERE was home.
You are where you are supposed to be. Imagine that.